Today my parents said my sister is interested in going to grad school for the same thing I’m interested in but haven’t done real research on yet and I just burst into tears. And then it was, “Well she’s also interested in this other thing you’ve been interested in for your entire life.” I really wish I could control my emotions with regards to her, but I just can’t. I have a hard enough time controlling my emotions around my parents—I think because they probably know me better than anyone. But that’s not right either because the issue is I feel like they don’t know me well at all to bring her up like that or not recognize when I’ve gone through periods of difficulty.
I know everyone is supposed to go at their own pace, but ambitious juniors in college make me want to puke. I’m sick of exhausting myself at a parade of peon jobs hoping I’ll have the energy to try to come up with a future plan or do the things I enjoy(ed).
It’s bad enough to feel like you’re in competition with your classmates who go onto do amazing things, or in competition with people you used to be close with but never want to see again, or with your friends who haven’t achieved even your pathetic level of success but think you’re some career-driven automaton. To feel like you’ll always be competing with family is exhausting. My sister used to make fun of my music and then secretly steal my CDs, and say my interests would get me nowhere (and then went on to major in more or less the same thing), or tell our parents’ friends that her only goal in life was to be more successful than me. With her disabilities and emotional issues, I feel like I’ve been competing with her for attention since she was born. I’m sorry I can soldier on through shitty public schools and adolescent hell and the stress of college and the job market without having a visible nervous breakdown. Someone has to.
(Source: santini-houdini, via musickelli)